Gareth : All right then Einstein if you're so clever, what am I thinking about now? Tim : You're thinking how could I kill a tiger armed only with a biro? Gareth : No. Tim : You're thinking if I crash land in the jungle, can I survive by eating my own shoes? Gareth : No and no you can't.

Does anyone else feel like they are on the set?

How does one kill a tiger with a biro or survive a jungle with only shoes for sustenance? I'll tell you. Join the R&CA for these 'life hacks' and how to survive COVID-19.

"A proposal from the Restaurant and Caterers Association to record every visitor to each restaurant to help deal with outbreaks and contact tracing and to use disposable cutlery, axe menus and have physical barriers to stop tables interacting." That's how.

Fucking genius (my first 'F bomb'). How much is this recording system going to cost? I might borrow one from the Portsea SLSC considering they won't need it. Or maybe they will? Dapper Dan is going to pick us last for the Primary School lunch time footy game. Pick me, pick me! I'm feeling very fat right now. And where in my left wing, silver linings 'green' playbook does it talk about creating more waste? I must have missed that party meeting. Axe menus, genius. I'm going to telepathically place my order. Or yell out like I'm stuck on a Wall Street trading floor in 1987. Cue in Fiona McDonald. Physical barriers, physical challenge, that my friend is "A Knockout." I've called my friends at Fulton Hogan and barriers are being delivered Monday.

Next will be dedicated hygiene officers, mandatory staff courses with accreditation, advanced technologies and compliant signage.

Tim : What are you thinking Gareth?

Gareth : "I was thinking will there ever be a boy born who can swim faster then a shark?

Brilliant. We're gonna need a bigger boat.

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